Men

I really need to find a sexy New York-based man to hook up with. I’m aware of this (as is everyone else remotely close to me). My mother sent me some homeopathic pills last week called Chaste Tree.  They’re supposed to help with "stress" but when I googled it (after taking like twelve, mind you) I found this definition:

Chaste Tree was said to be used as herbal remedy by monks in the Middle Ages to diminish their sex drive, and its common names stem from its use by monks to maintain celibacy. It does seem to occasionally reduce sex drive in women.

Celibacy in monks, people...MONKS! I think she secretly sent me these to lower my libido. Thanks, I guess?

That being said, I have a weird sense of what types of dudes are hot and they vary from day to day.  My boss said I have the “Snuggle Hormone,” a phrase she coined in college where as soon as you snuggle a guy you become obsessed with them. I've unfortunately never nuzzled any of the below but I guess I feel like I do virtually when I see them onscreen. 

When I talk about the below sexpots to my friends and co-workers I am exactly like this prepubescent tween who appeared on New Girl this past week.  I've actually never seen a more accurate portrayal:

Jason Sudeikis

I don’t remember how or when my obsession started, but it did and it’s endured ever since. We literally bumped into each other at an improv show and when he touched my arm to apologize I felt seizure-like indicators. We hit a rough patch when I thought he impregnated January Jones (not really down to be a stepmom, you guys) but when he confirmed “THE BABY’S NOT MINE” we were cool again and our love affair continued.

Tony Goldwyn

The show, Scandal did this to me. I saw him walking in Tribeca last year and was like, “Oh, there’s the guy from Ghost. He’s kind of hot," but on the show he is SO sexy. I think he might be older than he looks (Yeah, I just researched. He’s 52.) but I would totes hit it. I mean, he’s super cute and he's also playing the President of the United Fucking States of America right now.  Thank god it's a Shonda “Everything I Touch Turns To Gold” Rhimes show, because that means it will be on the air for at least 6 seasons. 

Drake

I watched Drake in the olden days when he played Wheelchair Jimmy on Degrassi, the Canadian teen soap opera. He’s also Jewish (+1) and likes girls that aren’t emaciated i.e. Kat Dennings (+2).

Zach Braff

Everyone who knows me from the age of 16 on knows my obsession runs deep. Like 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea deep. I’ve seen him in plays in New York and bought a shirt emblazoned with his name ("I Heart Braff").  WE ALL HAVE DORKY STUFF WE DID IN HIGH SCHOOL, OK? I ended up giving it to my best friend since she's dating a dude with the same surname.

John Mayer

I wish I could find the picture of me kissing his life-sized poster on my college dorm wall. But alas, it’s sitting somewhere amidst my college textbooks mostly titled, “Intro to Things I’ll Never Need to Know Once I Leave This Place.”

Adam Pally
Eeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhh!! Want, want, want. Funny is sexy.

Zac Efron

And I'll leave you with the Holy Grail. No need to explain this one.

Keep in mind this is a shortened list and missing (though not forgotten in my heart) are the likes of Will Arnett, John Krasinski, Jason Bateman, etc...I also just noticed that 90% of these men are well over the age of 30. Where do you go to meet guys in the 28-38 age bracket? Any suggestions greatly appreciated.

x, Emily