Men

I really need to find a sexy New York-based man to hook up with. I’m aware of this (as is everyone else remotely close to me). My mother sent me some homeopathic pills last week called Chaste Tree.  They’re supposed to help with "stress" but when I googled it (after taking like twelve, mind you) I found this definition:

Chaste Tree was said to be used as herbal remedy by monks in the Middle Ages to diminish their sex drive, and its common names stem from its use by monks to maintain celibacy. It does seem to occasionally reduce sex drive in women.

Celibacy in monks, people...MONKS! I think she secretly sent me these to lower my libido. Thanks, I guess?

That being said, I have a weird sense of what types of dudes are hot and they vary from day to day.  My boss said I have the “Snuggle Hormone,” a phrase she coined in college where as soon as you snuggle a guy you become obsessed with them. I've unfortunately never nuzzled any of the below but I guess I feel like I do virtually when I see them onscreen. 

When I talk about the below sexpots to my friends and co-workers I am exactly like this prepubescent tween who appeared on New Girl this past week.  I've actually never seen a more accurate portrayal:

Jason Sudeikis

I don’t remember how or when my obsession started, but it did and it’s endured ever since. We literally bumped into each other at an improv show and when he touched my arm to apologize I felt seizure-like indicators. We hit a rough patch when I thought he impregnated January Jones (not really down to be a stepmom, you guys) but when he confirmed “THE BABY’S NOT MINE” we were cool again and our love affair continued.

Tony Goldwyn

The show, Scandal did this to me. I saw him walking in Tribeca last year and was like, “Oh, there’s the guy from Ghost. He’s kind of hot," but on the show he is SO sexy. I think he might be older than he looks (Yeah, I just researched. He’s 52.) but I would totes hit it. I mean, he’s super cute and he's also playing the President of the United Fucking States of America right now.  Thank god it's a Shonda “Everything I Touch Turns To Gold” Rhimes show, because that means it will be on the air for at least 6 seasons. 

Drake

I watched Drake in the olden days when he played Wheelchair Jimmy on Degrassi, the Canadian teen soap opera. He’s also Jewish (+1) and likes girls that aren’t emaciated i.e. Kat Dennings (+2).

Zach Braff

Everyone who knows me from the age of 16 on knows my obsession runs deep. Like 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea deep. I’ve seen him in plays in New York and bought a shirt emblazoned with his name ("I Heart Braff").  WE ALL HAVE DORKY STUFF WE DID IN HIGH SCHOOL, OK? I ended up giving it to my best friend since she's dating a dude with the same surname.

John Mayer

I wish I could find the picture of me kissing his life-sized poster on my college dorm wall. But alas, it’s sitting somewhere amidst my college textbooks mostly titled, “Intro to Things I’ll Never Need to Know Once I Leave This Place.”

Adam Pally
Eeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhh!! Want, want, want. Funny is sexy.

Zac Efron

And I'll leave you with the Holy Grail. No need to explain this one.

Keep in mind this is a shortened list and missing (though not forgotten in my heart) are the likes of Will Arnett, John Krasinski, Jason Bateman, etc...I also just noticed that 90% of these men are well over the age of 30. Where do you go to meet guys in the 28-38 age bracket? Any suggestions greatly appreciated.

x, Emily 

Office Essentials

Working in an office environment where there are no actual walls can be difficult. More so when your co-worker has the loudest cackling laugh on earth and it echoes off the walls at all hours of the day. Good thing there are trendy noise-canceling (or so they claim) headphones!  More office necessities below. 

x, Emily 

Emi-Jay hairties that double as cute bracelets

The good shiz...stress tea

WESC headphones

EOS lipbalm

Madewell Scarf for the chilly office

Deploring Pouring

The weather has been less than stellar in New York lately. On Sunday it felt like a movie villain was going to swoop down from the sky and steal my valuables.  Rather than mope to acoustic guitar in my apartment I went to watch Zac Efron lift bails of hay and fix various household appliances in The Lucky One. If there was an Oscar category for Best Film Body (Those biceps! Triceps! Pecs!) he would win hands down. It was pretty amazing. Below are some accessories to keep you looking cute enough for a date with Mr. Efron (whether in real life...or at the theater). 

x, Emily

Marc by Marc Jacobs

Alice + Olivia

Hunter

This is how I feel today...

But tonight I'm going to dinner with my friend and then I'll feel like this:

x, Emily

Hey guys...

Snap Back to Reality

Hope you enjoyed my Eminem reference in this blog title today. It reminds me of a simpler time when Eminem was the newest/coolest rapper around and I still thought capris were the best. I bring this up because I'm just returning from my Minnesotan vacation and I felt like I was back in time.

I was in New Ulm, MN for the majority of my trip, a town of about 13,000. Truly, everyone in town was beyond welcoming and so laid back. Super refreshing so not have to be angry at everyone all the time (as I am here). It was like being a kid again in a way, just walking around, hanging out, laughing. 

I got some fun items at the local thrift shops: 2 purses, 3 bracelets, a pin, 2 belts, a necklace = $15

Got back to the city Sunday night to a baggage claim full of sunburned spring breakers. They each made me want to sterilize America. Conveyor belt broke, the teens started climbing on it like savages in protest. I considered stabbing my eyeballs but that seemed silly. Reality check, people in NYC are obnoxious, welcome home!

Here are some pics of my time in the land of 1,000 lakes.

-Penny

Jessica's guinea pig Marty passed away

Little Fashion Nuggets

Some parents are uber-fashionable and pride themselves on the appearance of their well-groomed children. They like to show off the mini-versions of themselves looking trendy and presentable. But really who has time to make their kids look that good? Those people are freaks. When are they doing all this styling? Between shuttling their kids to piano lessons/soccer practice, making dinner and cleaning the house? Obviously it's only wealthy people with two nannies and a housekeeper. Oh rich people, you slay me!

x, Emily

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Coachella

Sorry for being MIA. Blogging just seemed like so much work.  All that typing!  Anyway, it's the Coachella Music Festival. I don't know if I'm super un-cool, but it really doesn't seem like that much fun to me. All those hippie wannabes and all that warm beer. And what's with the face paint people slather on? While most of the celebrity fashion victims look like they just walked out of a hipster crack den, some of them still manage to look relatively cute. Examples below. 

x, Emily 

Clear Blue

With Penny on vacay I've been inspired to look at images of tropical locals and cry at my desk. Well, I found the holy grail. I don't know where this is but in the immortal words of Tina Fey, "I want to go to there."  How is the water so clear? It confuses my brain waves.

At first I was like, "Floating boat! We have seen the future!" and then I was all "No, silly Emily. That's just really amazing water. Get it together. Go drink some coffee."

x, Emily

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Byeeeeee

I haven't been on a real vacation since my sister's sweet sixteen two summers ago. Said vacation involved my friends who came in tow being deathly ill and 70% of my family asking me why I am not married. Vacation, it was not.

My idea of the perfect trip involves sun, sand, drinks and massive amounts of food. Unfortunately, we can't always get what we want BUT if we try we might find what we need. Tomorrow I head off to not sunny Minnesota to visit my dear friends (I LOVE sounding like an old white lady) from college, Jessica and Megan. Although I wont have a beach to sleep on I will have friends to hang with and I'm exciiiiiited.

Megan is from Minnesota and moved back to her "homeland" whereas Jessica really just likes to torture me and moved there to spite me. She literally purchased a home (she's an adult) just so I would have no excuse to not visit her...the things my friends do.

As much as I *LOVE* being at work all day, I'm looking forward to some R&R in the middle of nowhere in New Ulm, Minnesota. Pray for me tomorrow as I will be traveling with Miss Stephanie who should be placed in a bubble to avoid contact with strangers at all times.

I'll be going to the Mall of America for this.

- Penny

A Sad Book

I'm pretty sure she's talking to me here. Because I would love a cocktail and it's not even noon. Did I say you could judge me? 

x, Emily 

Polka Dots...

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iPhone Cases of Dreams

Let's get real. iPhones make the world go round. They are the greatest invention (minus the ridiculous battery life) and Penny and I treat them like our children. And you can't have your kids leaving the house looking a hot mess, right?  So I've found some cute ensembles for them to model proudly. Thanks, Society6! You can see them all here, but be warned: there are thousands and 90% of them are absolutely amazing. They also have awesome, inexpensive prints for 20-somethings who can't afford art gallery shit. Meaning all of us.

x, Emily

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